It has been my experience as a police practitioner that the phrase Master Criminal is indeed an oxy-moron. First , those two terms are mutually exclusive, much like military intelligence and political integrity. Second, most criminals are undoubtedly morons. Few offenders are masters of their craft. Indeed, most couldn’t reliably be depended upon to routinely pour used beer out of a short boot when straight, sober and sufficiently alert to recall their own daddy’s name. The only common denominator amongst the morally bereft on the far side of the bell curve, is that they all continue to astound me with their feats of intellectual incapacity.
One of my favorites involved an enterprising young man who, on a whim, elected late one winter’s eve to try his hand at holding up a liquor store in my jurisdiction. In true expedient fashion, our in­trepid entrepreneur enlisted the aid of a stolen firearm, and went off to make his mark in the history of ill-conceived robberies. Approach­ing the counter and the lone proprietor in the house of spirits, he laid the barrel of the pistol across his arm and demanded cash, dutifully surrendered by the somewhat perplexed and suspicious clerk who stared intently at the unusual handgun brandished by our neophyte brigand.
“It had six barrels,” the clerk later explained. “It had what?” I asked. “Six barrels in a long cylinder,” he adamantly continued. Pulling out my trusty weapons catalog, my victim pointed to an antique pepperbox revolver, exclaiming, “just like that!” Hmm, I thought, I wonder if anyone is that clever? Anyone could buy a replica black powder gun, but to depend upon one for a hold up? Or maybe to confuse the clerk about the type of weapon? How irresistible. Nope, come to find out our antiquarian antagonist used the only gun he could steal to stick up the place, a replica cap and ball pepperbox. I traced the gun through one of his friends who gave him up after a brief interlude of spiritual counseling. He confessed after realizing how utterly absurd it was. Imagine, an assault, with a pepperbox! Can you spell C-O-N-V-I-C-T?
Fast on the heels of our cap and ball bandit, comes a truly historical stick-up I worked just last year, wherein our anachronistic villain brandished a medieval sword while robbing his newfound acquaintance of a computer game. Let’s see, you use the most arcane weapon available to rob your new friend of a modern video game. At least it gave me the opportunity to use the phrase “sword wielding varlet” in my arrest affidavit. Gadzooks, what irony, methinks!
Some offenders are intriguing in their concepts of opportunity , if not their selection or execution of offenses. One of my more beloved tales has to do with an armed robbery by a gang of youths at a local fried chicken emporium. It wasn’t the weapons, or the money, or the manner of the robbery, but the mere fact that one of the bandits was currently on house arrest at the time of the hold-up! This clever soul had discovered that he could reasonably expect at least 30 minutes between computer initiated phone calls to his home, where his electronic ankle bracelet proved him within boundaries. He answered the late night phone call which reflected his presence to the machine, then gambled he had sufficient time to perpetrate a robbery. He reasoned correctly. Until we caught the remainder of the troupe who gave him up as a gift. See you in 2030.
Then there are the tragically incompetent, who when confronted with a dilemma of psychological fortitude, invariably succumb to their own fate. One of my more memorable is the doper, upon whose door we knocked a few years ago, inquiring about his extracurricular avocation of neighborhood pharmacist. As a routine question, I asked, do you have any contraband or guns in the home? Yes, he offered. “I’ve got a sawed-off shotgun under the couch.” Darned if he didn’t. One about 12 inches too short for the statutes. I complemented him on his honesty, read him Miranda r-e-a-l slow, and took him to jail, confiscating his 12 inch barreled scattergun for my trouble. Even a fish wouldn’t get caught if he kept his mouth shut.
Hot on the heels of our previous Rhodes Scholar, came an even greater feat of linguistic legerdemain by a factually challenged purveyor of exotic herbs of the cannabis sativa L variety. A mid summer’s night 911 call of a home invasion robbery to an apartment got me out of bed to investigate the banditry and process the scene for evidence. It seems our small businessman had the poor taste to admit he had been robbed of his stash by a pair of masked, pistol-waiving intruders who demanded his illicit inventory, at once, and at gunpoint. Alphonse Capone always said you can get more with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.
During the course of our crime scene search, a substantial amount of money was located, concealed and packaged in duck tape for our convenience and inspection. “That money ain’t from selling dope,” our lad offered smugly. “I got that money from GAMBLING!” Wrong answer, Socrates. Gambling profits are ­also contraband, subject to seizure and forfeiture, just like fruits from drug sales. He lost his dope, his money, his lease, and most of his arrogance, all in one night. I’m telling you, I couldn’t invent stuff this good!
My best story of last year is one of escape, evasion, and abject ineptness. It seems our Patrol Officers arrested a local miscreant for some rudimentary offense, and situated him unrestrained in the booking room for prints and ­photos. Shortly into the procedure, our impetuous, if impertinent, charge developed a rather poorly engineered plan for escape. Barging past the booking Officer, our aspiring fugitive maintained a brief lead on his ardent pursuer, until, when rounding the next corner inside the police station, he took the first door he came to, closing it fast behind him. Chagrined, he discovered he had just incarcerated himself in the only empty Police evidence room with a 500 pound bank vault door within 30 miles. Thus ended the pursuit. The booking continued ­after the laughter subsided. All this fun and we get paid too!